I Remain Undecided

So today was my penultimate day at work.

I honestly thought that I would be missed like a huge chunk of personality but in truth I will be missed by a few lovely souls and then forgotten about over the weeks and months. 

However

This will not happen if I can help it.

I have made a good few friends in that particular hell hole. I went through my own turbulences over the past few years there, grown up and grown out of that job but never the company. 

Part of me feels that I will be back and back often just to see them all.

The other part knows that we all carry people with ourselves.

I carry with me all my memories of you.

And some days that will have to be enough. 

Other days I will be actively in your company.

This in particular applies to a handful of folks. The most important know who they are.

In part I am always here. I really really am.

I will have started my last week at work

Will have a new fan heater as the last one just died and I am COLD

And most importantly…

WILL GET A FULLY STUFFED AND BEAUTIFUL KERMIT PLUSH FROM BUILD A BEAR!!!

I love Kermit the Frog, if he was human I would marry him.

He is to me a mix of John Green, Ned Flanders and GREEN!!!! 

I LOVE HIM! 

Ahem…

Sincerely ME.

X

The fact that you exist is only proven with the fact that I have your handwriting. 

We all are really and if you have just finished reading #TFiOS, emails from people who used to matter and even older emails from authors you like then this feeling is even more apparent. 

Currently this is me.

It is nearly 11pm on a Friday night, I had no plans to go out, I never do.

I have had zero human contact in the last few hours apart from the odd tweet.

Once upon a time a text bleep would be no big deal but now they are so rare that my mum even questions who is texting me. MY MUM! Oh dear.

Today I have had to hold my tongue and behave like a normal crazy person and not like the me crazy person. This included not compulsively texting every random though to some poor soul, behaving myself at work and not acting on impulses which would get me into very deep trouble. Not illegal or mean I assure you but completely inappropriate regardless.

This cap I place on myself is my way of controlling me.

I had years and years of control from a parental like figure, they left but the feelings for control still linger, hence my own attempts. And with regards to my recent want of irrational behaviour I am glad that it is in place.

Was told that I am the right kind of crazy today.

Think it was meant as a complement, was not nearly as elegant as the one I received previously.

I feel like I am running out of time and soon I will have to do or die.

You or I or both shall die.

I just don’t want to choose.

Lately my mind can not settle. I see a thing I want and know, really deeply madly know that this is not going to happen. I will not get what I want. Not today, not tomorrow or the day after.

So reality wise I am a little ball of hurt but awake and I can cope with this. 

As soon as I am asleep though, all change. 

I sleep pretty badly as it is but then there are nights when I get up, sleep, dream, up, sleep, dream over and over. The dream parts are what worries me. 

They let me have what I want. Not only in the most basic of levels, oh no that wouldn’t be too bad. No No my brain decides to make it ten times worse when it adds all the extra crap. 

If I sound selfish it is because I am. This is a selfish selfish want and I can’t help myself. All I can say really is SORRY I AM TRYING, I REALLY AM SORRY.

Oh my oh my!

I have had a rather awful day. 

I had been feeling down, cold and rather irritable all day. 

But

There is hope. 

I came home to find my copy of 

“The Fault In Our Stars”

This already had made my day a million times better, less confusing and warmer.

I want to consume this book but I shall settle for reading it.

I just want to say a BIG THANK YOU to John Green for writing such wonderful books that are both realistic, funny and purely amazing.

And A big THANKS to Nerdfighteria. The last few months have been somewhat of a revelation. Vlogbrothers and The PDS to mention the biggest influences have really changed my perspective. People do care, a community doesn’t just exist in your immediate day to day and that there is always hope.

Thank goodness for books, thank goodness for humour and thank you for helping me progress.

Forward.

I just don’t know