AND FYI

I got married and my husband has yet to watch all the STAR WARS films.

I still love Dr Who and Sherlock.

I still read, just not as much as I have no time.

AND I still wanna be Wednesday Addams.

And some friends are just not worth hanging on to when they are drowning because they wanna use you as a life raft. Swim, run and let go!

Glad to clear that up to no one in particular.

Any questions?


The thing about time

Is 20-20 hindsight.

Right at this moment in time I am thinking about friendships. Its funny how sometimes you can instantly make a connection and other times, years later nothing can remain or be called upon. Sometimes your lucky and get a Merlin though so ce la vie. Turns out that I am also more ‘non- judgemental’ than I thought. Being a confidant to a few folks recently reminded me that I am not an ass hole. Stressed? YES Quirky? Most definitely but not that big an ass. That I will take!

I also keep running out of time but the thing is now I don’t really care. Call it acceptance or whatever, for me it is some tiny progress. Counselling galore and hours crying has actually bought some tiny relief. I am talking 8 months or so of counselling and ‘homework’. I have high anxiety but realising that one component is that I self aggravate a situation has led me to stop a cycle that ultimately saw me go home in tears or want to hide and not talk to anyone.

Letting people down should always come second to letting yourself down.

And that’s what I was doing and heck I have bad days so sometimes I still do. The thing now is that I have a smidgen more self worth. I still have a long way to go but that’t why we do it step by step.

But you gotta try, right?

I think I have been rambling again.

NOTHING NEW TO SEE.

WALK ON NOW 


Things under NO circumstances you should say to different fandoms:

Avengers: Anyone's name that is Coulson or Phil, especially if someone's name is Phil Coulson.
Supernatural: Hunting and Dad should never be used in the same sentence.
Sherlock: "Go jump off a cliff" Anything remotely involving jumping or falling. Be careful of where you put your smiley faces and skulls. DO NOT SAY STEVEN MOFFAT.
Doctor Who: "Hey, who turned out the lights?" "Don't even blink." "I'm sorry, I'm so very sorry." "I don't want to go." Do not mention "rose" and 10 in the same sentence, mentioning people named Donna, Martha, Amelia (Amy), Sarah Jane, and Rose is equally upsetting. Don't talk about ponds. DO NOT SAY STEVEN MOFFAT.
Merlin: "Thank you"

So a new year heh…

Im currently getting to know someone who confused Star Wars for Star Trek. Nearly hung up and died of laughter.

I kid.


The thing is time is always going to move, fast. Never at that leisurely pace of youth, no sir, but that light speed nonsense we thought was make believe.
I keep expecting to be surprised and bless my besties for keeping me on my toes. The sad fact is that time may move forward, you can still be a little shit regardless.
I am keeping my eye on things and I wont take your boohockey.

If taking less bullshit makes me a bitch then so be it.
I warned you.

Happy 2013 guys and gals!


Kill or be killed…

Today has been crappy. Someone has bad news, work is busy and I have a party to go to. Trying to be happy is getting harder.

The problem is that I carry this all the time.
I am an anxious little human.
Putting myself out there be it here, on twitter or facebook and honestly, I wait for the worst case scenario. I am waiting, honestly waiting for people to hate me.

This is not a “woe is me” post.

This is simply how I feel.
And no, nothing is wrong with me.
Anxious human remember.

At least I can still be human. Thats harder these days.
I dont want to be a hypocrite and trust me thats hard work.


Being human

Lately this has been bothering me with regards to the internet. We as a blogger, tweeter, facebooker, vlogger etc can have all these little relationships in a virtual world. The thing is that they kinda never have to stay just virtual. For example bands are suddenly more accessible. New content, question time with fans all done on a temporary fleeting virtual world which makes the the band and fans feel closer to each other. Kinda neat really. All this extra “Being Human” ness has come about.

In the real world though this takes longer. Meeting someone you admire can take a forever, even gigs or shows of any kind still have a platform and a given separate feel. That human-ness is somehow lost in person untill the meet and greet if there even is one.
Maybe thats just me, thats how I feel about it all anyways.
:-)


Meeting Justin from Motion City Soundtrack last night was the cherry on the already iced and sprinkled cake. The gig was awesome, I was right at the barriers, I got a guitar pick, a new hoodie (because the last MCS one I had I wore so much I broke the zip) and then this pic. I even had space to bop and jig in too. I just want to say thanks to my lovely little bro for keeping me safe from the pushing behind me and thanks to the new people we met and parted with last night. All I have to say is that this was the best thing I have ever been to ever! Whoever I see next has a LOT to compete with! 
Huge thanks to Motion City Soundtrack for rocking so hard my ears have still not recovered 11 hours later and for Justin who invited us lot to stay behind and say hello! Bleeeeeee!

Meeting Justin from Motion City Soundtrack last night was the cherry on the already iced and sprinkled cake. The gig was awesome, I was right at the barriers, I got a guitar pick, a new hoodie (because the last MCS one I had I wore so much I broke the zip) and then this pic. I even had space to bop and jig in too. I just want to say thanks to my lovely little bro for keeping me safe from the pushing behind me and thanks to the new people we met and parted with last night. All I have to say is that this was the best thing I have ever been to ever! Whoever I see next has a LOT to compete with!
Huge thanks to Motion City Soundtrack for rocking so hard my ears have still not recovered 11 hours later and for Justin who invited us lot to stay behind and say hello! Bleeeeeee!


The Olympics

So today marks the end of London 2012 and its been a hard one to watch. I really wanted to be a part of it and not just watch it on the telly. My reason for not was Ramadan. Trust me when I say you do not want to be traveling and sweating when you cant eat or drink.

I have watched so much and really have been inspired. So much will change for a few guys and girls. Its nice to see that after struggling to get kids fit and active there are now clubs who have been inundated with new members. How new sports that have never been seen on the big screen will now be played on home turf.
Its a learning process I guess.
And yes I too have been inspired to get healthier. Not one for team sports yet but who knows. For now my focus (post Ramadan of course) is to lose weight and be able to exercise and not hurt. To be able to go up the stairs and not huff and puff. Little goals but they are mine.


All I want to say is that I am very proud to be British, we have had a good year and long may it continue.

Bring on the Superhumans!


fishingboatproceeds:

This is a photo of me stagediving at LeakyCon. It was taken by the lovely and charming Evanna Lynch. Life is weird/beautiful.
Anyway, while I was crowdsurfing—I was out there for quite a while—I had time to think about some things:
1. The Harry Potter fandom is uniquely wonderful, and the greatest luck of my professional life is probably that so many HP fans became early nerdfighters, because the whole culture of nerdfighteria came not primarily from us but from those early nerdfighters.
2. Although it is hard for me to express it in a meaningful, individual way, I am really grateful to everyone who identifies as a nerdfighter. We’ve done so much amazing stuff together that none of us could ever have done alone.
3. I love being a nerdfighter, and I love being a nerd, and I seeing people be so honestly themselves is such an inspiration to me.
4. How are all these people—many of whom are very small—holding me aloft?
5. The metaphor here is too obvious.
6. There’s probably a better, more interesting metaphor that I’m not thinking of.
7. I guess the real metaphor is not you-can-only-make-stuff-if-people-hold-you-up; the real metaphor here is that together-things-happen-that-can-never-happen-alone, which is a very important thing for an introverted and socially anxious person like me to realize. I guess these days this is a politically charged statement, but it seems to me manifestly true: You make nothing alone. Human beings are not mere competitors, and human life is not merely competition. We are collaborators. To be human is to catch the falling person.

fishingboatproceeds:

This is a photo of me stagediving at LeakyCon. It was taken by the lovely and charming Evanna Lynch. Life is weird/beautiful.

Anyway, while I was crowdsurfing—I was out there for quite a while—I had time to think about some things:

1. The Harry Potter fandom is uniquely wonderful, and the greatest luck of my professional life is probably that so many HP fans became early nerdfighters, because the whole culture of nerdfighteria came not primarily from us but from those early nerdfighters.

2. Although it is hard for me to express it in a meaningful, individual way, I am really grateful to everyone who identifies as a nerdfighter. We’ve done so much amazing stuff together that none of us could ever have done alone.

3. I love being a nerdfighter, and I love being a nerd, and I seeing people be so honestly themselves is such an inspiration to me.

4. How are all these people—many of whom are very small—holding me aloft?

5. The metaphor here is too obvious.

6. There’s probably a better, more interesting metaphor that I’m not thinking of.

7. I guess the real metaphor is not you-can-only-make-stuff-if-people-hold-you-up; the real metaphor here is that together-things-happen-that-can-never-happen-alone, which is a very important thing for an introverted and socially anxious person like me to realize. I guess these days this is a politically charged statement, but it seems to me manifestly true: You make nothing alone. Human beings are not mere competitors, and human life is not merely competition. We are collaborators. To be human is to catch the falling person.


Part of me want’s to talk again

But either I can’t find the words, others say not to or I simply don’t want to. I’m finding it hard at this point in time to make any decision on it.

It took me five years to take one step forward, things changed again, I felt unsettled and I moved a half step back. This month however is a reset button, I get to start afresh. I just don’t know whether the choices I made with regards to talking are the right choices in the long run. For the last few years they have been the painful and right thing to do with regards to my mental wellbeing. I just don’t know whether this could be a long term solution. I feel there are certain things that can not be justified and they still make me angry enough to keep my silence. Anger really isn’t a good enough reason, the other ones possibly are.

And all this with one comment

'Blood is blood'

I may have to use a Tyler here

"They say you hurt the ones you love. Well it works both ways"